I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Nicole vs. Life
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize