We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
