I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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