I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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