so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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