good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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