There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
