My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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