I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
