then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
