Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Then you guys just all showered together...?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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