Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
