So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize