I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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