By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
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