I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
