my phone needs a breathalizer
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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