My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
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