I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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