Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
