I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
