I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
