So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
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