Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
