I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
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