I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
