Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
