I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
two words: eviction party
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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