im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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