i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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