When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Randomize
