dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
