just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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