I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Randomize
