New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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