a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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