You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize