this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Randomize
