2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
