How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Someone shattered a urinal.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
