I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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