someone threw a dead crab at me
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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