my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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