Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
