you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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