I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
