i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
