singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
