Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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