it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize