So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
