I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
