We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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