I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
