i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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