I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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