'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
