She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Randomize
