Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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