if i can run in heels then i can drive
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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